Memoir: Much

I don't quite remember the date, or how tall I was. But I definitely remember the silent drive from my grandma's house to the church. I'm sure Granddad posthumously pesters her for not giving him up to science. I don't remember what I wore or what anyone else did. I do remember, though, wanting to sit down, alone. Everyone was all over me. I know they cared and I respected them for that. But still, I just wanted to breathe, exactly what Granddad couldn't do anymore. Perhaps that was why he had had that heart attack those five years ago, because of our family. Great. We solved the mystery. That might have been the worst part of all; not knowing why it happened. It wasn't really the constant crying from my parents, siblings, and assortment of relatives. Nor the awkward empty room that Grandma assigns us to sleep in every time we visit. We still call it "Granddad's office". Yes, it was the fact that a 68 year old man who walked about two miles a day with no heart health concerns had had a heart attack while away on a business trip. It was unfathomable. From the moment Grandma asked me to touch the body that once sheltered Granddad, I was trampled. Nothing seemed hopeful; I was completely choked with no mercy. My last breath of innocence, more so ignorance, was taken away, and from then on no more excuses were accepted. I was now forced to understand that everyone was programmed to die leaving their bodies only with a slight deformity to their absences. So as I turned away practically puking and in wonderment, I began to cry for numerous reasons besides the one at hand. I cried knowing I would be somewhere like this on a similar occasion but the empty body would be my mom's, dad's, brother's and sister's. On top of that, I would be alone without them, if all goes according to birth rate. I know it would be cutting my life short if, for some reason, I would die preemptively to my time, but on the contrary, it would be a relief, right? Being only a cowardly mortal human, of course, my first inclination was to surrender; never to fight. But my cowardice working with me, for once, persuaded me to continue. It would have been a little much, I suppose.